20 weeks!

Well of course I've been behind on blogging about our baby boy ... what's new?!?

So today we are 22 weeks and 1 day - time is FLYING BY! Well we found out that our lil one is a baby boy. This is something he was NOT shy about showing us. We also had a scare at 16 weeks that he may be born with Spina Bifida but thankfully at 19 weeks we found out he is perfectly healthy and happy.

In week 20 I began to feel him move a little. I swore he was moving way before that, but I may have been just dreaming it up, because those movements were NOTHING like those I'm feeling now ... but hey I could just say he was moving (because I was seeing it on an ultrasound) but he was so small and I didn't know those little flutters were really him, LOL.

During our 21st week we took a cruise to Nassau, Bahamas and that's when we REALLY felt him move. Even John could hold my tummy and feel his baby boy in there. Let me stop here to say how awesome it is to have a hubby that is so interested in this baby boy. He's so lovey with us both, and so protective. I see now, even with his baby "cooking" that he is such a great daddy - I can't wait to see how great he's going to be once our lil guy is here!

Well here's our first belly picture, I had to make sure to document his 20th week ... I've not been the best at documenting these things.

Struggles with fertility

God DEFINITELY works in the best possible ways ever! 

We've had our struggles with infertility that we weren't so quick to share with the world, because honestly we were scared we could never have a baby. We have been so happy for our friends who are having babies, but the constant questioning of when we'll be ready to have one was breaking our hearts. We wanted to shout from the rooftops that we WERE TRYING ... but were having trouble ... and were terrified we couldn't conceive. 

We tried for a little less than 18 months before we were referred out to a fertility specialist and began the process of testing. John was tested first ... and let's just say there was CLEARLY nothing wrong with him. In an effort to not share too many details, I'll just say there was no question when the doctor read the results that he was well over the limit of capable. 

We then started researching me. After multiple tests, there was nothing more scary and wonderful to hear at the same time than hearing, "We can't find anything wrong." This was great to hear, well because of the obvious. But also very scary, because if there was nothing wrong - why was it not working for so long? 

Our doctor put me on Clomid and told me we had only 6 rounds before we had to move up to the next step of fertility treatment. Let me just say, Clomid ... that makes you have CRAZY hot flashes. At one point I had our thermostat at 65 and told John we needed to lower it. This was in April. I also should stop here to say that my comfort level is around 74 ... and John's is 68. Well he promptly told me (in the kindest way possible) that he *thought* I was having a hot flash ... because he was freezing. POOR THING! But I have to say he was such a good sport. 

Well to make a long story short ... our round of Clomid worked :)  

God is so good!!! 

Well this is us ...

My dear child, I don't know you yet or when you will come home, but I thought I'd take a few moments to tell you what to expect so you have a little insight on this crazy family we call the Haines.

About your Dad: Your Dad has gone bonkers safety checking everything in our home, our cars, and seeks out the dangers of every place we visit with a battle ready plan for ensuring he can protect you. I watch your Daddy as he plays with kids we know, he has such a big heart and loves all of them so much (even the annoying ones he doesn't seem to be bothered by, he he he). I can't believe how much I've fallen in love with him over the last year, I truly cherish him and all he's done for me and will do for you one day too. You're very lucky to belong to him. I can't wait till he sneaks in your room at night just to make sure you're breathing. He'll act like he's just making his rounds, but I promise you - he doesn't do this for anyone else (but we'll keep his softy side a secret between us).

About your siblings: You have a sister and a brother that both have 4 legs each. They think they are people, and we don't tell them any different. The both love cookies that we spell K-U-K-I (we are not sure if they know how to spell, so we aren't taking any chances). Kisses from them are always free and in abundance. I honestly haven't figured out a way to make them stop once the get on a roll - it's best you just give in and let them take their course. I promise if they tag team you I'll save you (but I won't do it for your dad, and you shouldn't either ... its very funny watching them attack him with kisses).

Sophie will be loud, so I'm sorry in advance when she scares you - it's only her way of talking. She has this whip of a tail, so here's your warning. There may never be a time you see her without a toy in her mouth - keep a good inventory of what is yours.

Ranger is more reserved and our "old man" around the house. He's a lover but doesn't like his hands messed with or his tail pulled. If you rub his belly he will love you forever. Two of his favorite foods are potato soup and peanut butter. He's the mooch of our family so I'm sure he'll find his favorite spot to be under your highchair.

About your Grandmother: First of all you probably never want to call her grandma. She's Grammy and feels more hip with that name. She may drive you bonkers and make up silly songs, but she has a heart of gold and will always hold you when you cry - even if you're 26. I promise you I will never ever ever ever let her cut your hair - I once was walking proof her ability, trust me you don't want to find out the hard way - take my word for it. But she's the pigtail, cheerleader curls, and ruffle queen - get ready princess she's going to spoil you rotten. Don't take her for granted, she's loved you as long as I have. She won't be here forever, cherish any moment you get with her.

You have another Grandmother, I'm not sure what you'll call her, so for now she'll be Grandma Sally. You aren't her first grand baby, but I know she will love you with all she has. She's a great cook, so don't hesitate to chow down. Maybe the best thing about her is that she puts your Grandpa in his place. Grandma Sally is one strong woman - you're lucky to have her in your life as a role model.

About your Grandpa's: Yes you have 4 of them. In no specific order ...

Grandpa #1 - Grandpa Doug (your cousin Riley calls him Pappy). He's one tough guy, don't be intimidated though, he's as soft as your dad is on the inside. Your cousin Riley has softened him up for you. We don't see him as much as we'd like, but I know we'll get him away from work when you finally come home.

Grandpa #2 - Grandpa Keith. Yes, he's loud and snores like a bear. But he has a heart of gold and can't wait to scare the boys away from you. I'm sure he'll have you hunting before too long, and eating blue crabs with the best of them.

Grandpa #3 - Papaw. You will never have another grandpa named Papaw ... the mold was broken with this guy. Right now he's 94 years old. I know he won't be around for long, so I hope you come home soon so you can meet him. Papaw is a true American hero. He fought in WWII and the Korean War. He taught me what it means to love someone and what a marriage is supposed to be like. I honestly can tell you that you are blessed to be part of his family. There is no one in this world more generous and kind than this one. He can't always hear you, so speak up around him. Papaw is a gift from God, he is going to love you so much.

You have one more Grandpa. Grandpa Jim. Unfortunately God called him to heaven before you came home, but I know he's watching over you. He's the creator of Daddy sandwiches, you must try one. I miss him very much - so much more than I realized I would. I pray your Daddy loves you just as my Daddy did me. One day I'll take you to his favorite place in the world - and we'll rock hop like he taught me. I know your Daddy will teach you to fish, but he's got nothing on the Troutman peanut butter ball.


We're a oddball bunch, but we know what love is and how to share it. You're lucky to be part of this group. We pray for you every day, and can't wait to bring you home forever.

Letter to our Adoption Agent

I know it's been fovever since I've posted on here. I know I'm a total slacker ... but my to job is just soooo busy that I hardly have time to get my nails done much less blog!

I wanted to catch everyone up on the whole adoption process. Since March (my last post 6 months ago) we've had a lot of things and also nothing really going on with our adoption. I felt the best way to sum it up was to share an email I sent to the lady in charge of our adoption process. I must note here that the lady we started our process with was PHENOMINAL! She was truly a God send us in this whole crazy process and we feel as though we're stuck without her. She's become a great friend to us and we're so blessed to have known her. Unfortunatley she has transitioned to another position within that agency and the main case worker at that office is now the person we are being contacted by. I also want to note that this blog post is in NO WAY a means to bash the organization we are affiliated with. Because of this I will not accept anyone speaking negatively on that organization, I will only accept the common understanding that our situation just plain sucks right now.

So here's my last (as in most recent not as in final) email to the lady in charge of our adoption process. All names have been removed for privacy. Also, as a background, this email follows up on a placment call that occured a few days prior. I was having issues replying to her through my Yahoo email and also needed a day or two to sort my thoughts out on the issue.



Good Evening ____,

I’m sorry I’ve been trying to respond to you, but have been experiencing issues. So I'm glad I'm now able to get this email to go through.

Thank you for considering our home for _____. She seems like a very sweet girl.

I spoke with ____and she suggested I try to connect with you just to make sure we’re all on the same page with our placement through ____. However, my current workload at the office is providing little time for me to step away at all right now. In hopes to clear up some concerns we have I’m sending this email. I hate to have to email you, I’d love to talk on the phone or in person, but it appears my only free time is after office hours.

First and foremost I want to make sure that everyone in our ____ “family” knows how much we appreciate the prayers and support through this process. We’d be completely lost without the help of everyone in your office. I want to stress this because I do not want for one moment for anyone to think we’re ungrateful for everything everyone has done for us.

With that being said we have some concerns regarding our placement and just want to make sure we’re all on the same page.

We were under the impression that although we were approved up to 8 years old by the state our agreement with _____ would be that we're not contacted about children over 4. So far, we've been informed about:
· the sibling group of the 1 & 2 year old girls (that we didn't get unfortunately)
· the sibling group of the 2, 3 and 4 year old girls (that we couldn't take due to the amount of children)
· the sibling group of a 5 year old little girl and a 2 year old little boy (which we only have one bedroom for)
· the sibling group of a 6 year old little girl and 4 year old little girl (that we had to say no b/c of John leaving two days after we were informed of them)
· Now we've been contacted about a 9 year old girl

Our concern here is that we have a room set up for a child from birth to 4 years old. At this time we do not have the resources available (as in furniture readily in our home) or financially to at the drop of a hat outfit a room with a bed and appropriate needs for a child over 4. I know that we agreed to consider children close to our age bracket and that’s why the last two sibling groups were so hard to decline, but a five year gap is very large when considering children out of our age bracket.

In addition as long as John is gone we cannot accept a child that would be school aged because I do not have a power of attorney to enroll children into DEERS and school on post at all. Either the Soldier must be present or the spouse must have a POA to do so (b/c of the state and post regulations for foster children), neither of which I have at this time due to John being at Ranger school. I want to be clear that because of this we do not want to be on hold whatsoever as you offered before, our time here at Fort Benning is beginning to tick away and we do not want to delay this process any further, we just simply do not have the ability to take in a child that is above 4 years old.

I do not mean to be picky, I want so badly to bring a child into our home that needs loving parents but I feel like we're being offered children that are far out of our sheet and this is really putting us both in a place of feeling terrible because we're having to say no.

We've also both stressed to _____ that in the coming year John and I are planning on expanding our family both through adoption and biologically and from reading this little girl's bio, I see that she is suggested to be the only child or youngest child. Neither of which will be the case in our family. We don't want to do a disservice to this little girl by taking her into a home that will not fit her. This isn't about just us and our wants, but we're not going to stop our family plans either, that would be unfair to both parties. I know _____ needs a family, but it feels like something as important as the child in question needs to be an only child or youngest child would be considered seriously if John and I are an appropriate family for her. In reality, we are not.

We come back every time to the fact that we’re not “outfitted” for a child over the age of 4. I know younger children are harder to “get” (I hate that term so very much but I can’t think of a better one), but we know what we’re prepared for and that is a younger child. This isn’t only just the “stuff” we have but also the fact that we want to have our own children and having a 9 year old and a baby in the next two years (if we’re blessed to have a baby so soon) would put us with an 11 year old and an infant. Right now, a 9 year old wouldn’t be that bad, but we’re both looking down the road, not just at this moment - because to us this child is forever, not just right now. We have to look at our forever commitment and if we’re the best parents for a child at that age, and we know we’re not.

I can’t explain to you how my heart is just crushed when we have to say no. I feel like the most undeserving person of a child if I can look at my family and say, “no this one isn’t a fit.” I wish I could explain to you how angry I am with myself when I turn a child down. A child is a gift from God and deserves loving parents and I look at myself as a poor excuse for a parent when I say no. But I have to be honest with myself, because when we are placed I don’t want to call you and tell you they have to go back. In the long run, I think that would be more harmful to both us and the child than good.

Because this kills us so badly to decline a placement I need your help. Is there a way that we can only be informed of children that meet our sheet? We can’t keep getting our hopes up when we see your emails to only be deflated by the info to follow. John and I want a placement so badly, but saying no when the children are far beyond our requests is killing us. We do not for one moment want to stop or delay our process, but we feel like failures. That’s why I need your help and guidance.

Again, please don’t think we’re ungrateful or picky. We are so grateful for everything that’s been done for us. We just don’t know where to turn or what to do at this point. I also know that I don’t have to say this, but I look up to you and value your guidance and for that I hope that you know how much we do not want to disappoint you. You wouldn’t have been praying for us this long if you didn’t see something in us. From the bottom of my heart, I hope you are not losing faith in us as parents because we have said no in the past. We never want to make anyone think less of us or ever second guess our intentions.

I’m sorry this email is so long. I hope to hear from you soon. Please, if you think we should discuss further please let me know and I will do everything in my power to get away from this crazy office.

Hoping you understand,

Dana Haines

Well the next day I recieved a pretty "cool" (as in lacking much warmth and compassion) email from this lady. She pretty much told us that being placed with a child can happen but she can't tell us if it'll happen in our time here at Benning. She also coldy told us that the state sends our homestudy to other case workers and they contact our adoption agency to offer us said child. She said nothing about our question to not be contacted for children outisde of our age range, and nothing about our concern for disappointing her or anyone at her office. She only ended her short message with "If you wish to discuss further I will make time to meet after office hours."

So where do we stand now? When John came home we discussed this and he was pretty disappointed too. We're pretty heartbroken because we feel like we're just waiting for nothing to happen. We don't mean to sound negative about the situation but this is just very discouraging.

We talked to someone from the state agency b/c many people are placed through the state MUCH quicker than through an adoption agency. The state gave us worse news: to take our homestudy from the adoption agency and place it with the state agency we would face heafty fees from the adoption agency which John and I just can't afford to spend with no guarantee our financial investment would place a child in our home before we leave Ft Benning next August :(

So out of stinky news comes some good news. John and I have decided that we are no longer putting off our biological children any longer. We have let the Army and this adoption put off our plans long enough so although we don't have any news of a baby Haines to announce, we certainliy are on that road and hope to announce a baby "Sharkfin" (for those of you that know John's nickname) on the way soon :)

Although we're no longer actively seeking an adoption we know that God works in many crazy ways and are hopeful that our adoption will happen when we stop looking for it. Please, if I may ask, keep praying for our adoptive child and for him or her to come home soon. This is still our prayer everyday in hopes that God will bring the child we're meant to be parents to.

Sexual Abuse

I don't know how to title this blog any other way. As you can probably guess, I'm going to be talking about sexual abuse, specifically that of children in state's custody.

So in our second week of IMPACT classes, we discussed all the different types of abuse that a child can endure that takes them out of their birth parents home and places them into custody and the challenges that children in care must endure for the rest of their lives after they are removed from that unsafe place. Two of the biggest reasons that children are children are taken from their homes are sexual abuse and sexual assault. The differences in the two are very clear: Abuse is anything without penetration, Assault is penetration. Here's where it gets scary ... 1 in 4 girls in state's custody are sexually abused by the time they are 18 .... 1 in 3 are sexually ASSAULTED by the time they're 18!!

I know that I have to accept this and just move forward and be the best mommy to her that I can be. But to be honest, I'm having a very hard time with this whole situation. I mean, I went home that night and had a seriously emotional breakdown. I keep thinking my daughter is out there somewhere and I can't protect her. She could be living in her birth family's home or in a foster home and being abused everyday. I know it's not possible for me to know her now and where she is so I can keep my eye on her, and I understand that, but I worry about her like she's already mine.

I worry in the morning if someone put a dry diaper on her and fed her breakfast. Did she get to nap today or did she get beaten for crying when she was just sleepy and needed someone to comfort her until she fell asleep? Does she get enough milk and have strong bones or is she malnutritioned and is very sick all of the time?

I constantly worry about her and pray that she's safe. I know that people say you are in love with your child the moment you find out you're pregnant, but I truly am in love with this little girl that I don't even know. This really sucks sometimes because so many people look at you like you don't know what it feels like to be a mom because you're not pregnant. Yes, I know I'm not pregnant, but you can't mistake the love that adoptive parents have for their children as not being "real parent" love. It just really hurts sometimes to know that people don't see you as real parents.

Impact Classes

Okay I'm not even going to act like I'm diligent at this blogging thing. I need to get on it ... but man there's not enough hours in the day.

So we have now completed all of our IMPACT classes (the state mandated training for all foster/adoptive parents in the state of Georgia). I had my ups and downs with this class, but all in all, I swear I would have never been prepared for this unless I took these classes. I learned so much about children in state's custody.

Here are some things we've learned during our classes:
1. There are only really two reasons that children are taken out of their birth family's home - Abuse and Neglect. Now there are some instances when a child is abandoned at birth but these situations are much less frequent than situations of abuse and neglect.
2. When abuse happens, the child's developement stops at the age the child was abused. So let's say that a child is 7 and does well in school, but she was physically abused by her father when she was 3. Her physical and cognitive development are at an age 7, but her emotional development is at age 3 still (how old she was when he was abused) and she has trouble trusting men. And rightfully so.
3. There's a HUGE chance that our child will come from a home that she was sexually abused. I will touch on this in another blog as this was very hard for me to take and has had a bit of a lasting impression on me.

At the end of the day, I'm very happy we finished this course and I look forward to our next steps in our adoption process.

Soon I'll be posting more about the adoption, so keep posted :)

Adoption

My dearest blog, I'm sorry that I've left you for a while. It's been a crazy insane month since I've visited you last. I have some fantastic news, John and I are adopting!! We actually planned on trying to get pregnant this spring and had been praying for God to expand our family, but we never knew his plan was in this way instead.


I've actually wanted to adopt a child for a long time now, probably since I was in college. I went to Africa while in college and spent some time at an AIDS orphanage and my heart shattered for these children. I decided then that I would do this, but always thought it would be a long time down the road. Just about a month ago, we went to church and heard from a military couple that lost their baby and have decided to adopt one possibly two children from Africa. Our church collected a donation for them and started an initiative called "One Less Child" where we are trying to get all the children in our city into a forever home. John and I left church and before we got 5 miles down the road (which I wasn't counting but the church is 5 miles from the interstate exchange to go home) we had decided we wanted to possibly foster a child. By the end of the day, we decided we really felt God calling us to be a forever home for a child, so we stumbled upon full adoption.

We did our research and decided to go with the adoption agency, Bethany Christian Services. Which turned out to be a blessing in desiguse because our adoption agent is a lady we go to church with. What a small world!

We've started our pocess which is very overwhelming and emotional. We have quite literally a book to fill out about ourselves in order to get the state approval, and we've started our IMPACT classes. This class is all day every Saturday for 3 weeks to help us be prepared to adopt a child out of the state's custody.

We're taking one day at a time, but so anxious for our child to come home to us. Please keep our family in your prayers.

Army Wives

If you know me, you know that I LOVE watching the show Army Wives! It's my soap opera, and I get soooo wraped up into the story line. Well the last season just started it's reruns on Sunday nights throughout Janurary and February to get viewers amped up for the new season that starts in March.

HOWEVER - my DVR quit recording the series and now my TV Guide doesn't say that Army Wives is ever coming again on Directv :( I'm so sad!!

I hope that Army Wives comes back on soon ... I need my fix!!

Screw you Earth's rotation

I am officially ticked off. So now the earth has decided to wobble on it's rotation and added a 13th astrological sign. This new addition of the sign Ophiuchus adjusts the alignments of all signs. This changes my sign that I've identified myself with for a while. I feel I'm a pretty spitting image of what a Capricorn is, and now I'm supposed to be a Sagittarius?!? No way!

This is what a Capricorn is categorized as:

1. Capricorns are very independent because they know their capabilities and therefore they rarely trust others to finish details, they like to do it all themselves.

2. The Capricorn personality is geared towards that of leadership and achievement, they always want to climb the corporate ladder and be the best they can be.

3. Capricorns have excellent sense of time and manage it very well, they are excellent organizers.

4. Capricorns might seem melancholy and stern because they live by self-discipline and responsibility.

5. They evaluate everything and they don't take daring chances without weighing the advantages and disadvantages first.

6. To the onlooker, they might seem boring but it is the serious drive and structured way of life that the Capricorn feels safe with.

7. Capricorn's self-sufficiency is often mistook for coldness, they are not as cold as they seem, this might be apparent just because Capricorns like to do everything themselves this way there is no worry about something not finished or not done properly.

This description fits me to a T!

And then this is what the stupid Sagittarius is characterized by (which is sooo not me!):

1. Blindly optimistic

2. Careless

3. Irresponsible

4. Superficial

5. Tactless

6. Restless

I refuse to be a Sagittarius, you can't make me you stupid earth rotation. I'm sticking to my Capricorn status!

Turtle Cheesecake

For weeks I've been craving turtle cheesecake. Maybe it's because I'm headed to ATL in a week for work and the last time I was there my friend and co-worker, Kristi Taylor, took me to The Cheesecake Factory (my first time ever) and I enjoyed the most delectable turtle cheesecake of my life.

For Christmas my husband hit one out of the park and surprised me with a Kitchenaid Stand Mixer (I've been dreaming of one for the longest time and I can't believe I finally have it!) I've been staring at this thing on my counter since Christmas telling myself I need to use it. I can't let it just sit there and never be used and collect dust - I mean I know what these bad boys cost!

So I finally decided I was going to figure out how to make a cheesecake into a turtle one. Not hard, you just add pecans caramel and chocolate. But seeing as I'm not the best cook I thought I would go the easy route ... and itturned out great.

So I started with the no bake cheesecake

As per the directions you add the graham cracker crust mix to the bowl

Followed by 5 tablespoons of sugar

And 5 tablespoons of melted butter

Blend until mixed

Then you put the graham cracker crust into your pie dish and press firmly into sides and bottom to make the crust

Now onto the filling ...

First you put the filling packet into your bowl

Followed by 1 1/2 cups COLD milk

Blend for 3 mins and make sure to scrape the sides so all contents are mixing

Pour the filling mixture into your pie pan and spread out evenly to the edges

Let your cheesecake sit in the fridge for at least 3 hours. I let mine sit all day until after dinner. When you go to cut your first slice it's and ABSOLUTE MUST to place your pie pan in a hot water bath (just enough water to cover the bottom of the pan). I just fill my sink just a little with hot water and put my pie pan in for maybe 30 seconds. This really helps to get your pie slice to "slip right out."

Once you have your cheesecake slice out, drizzle with chocolate sauce and caramel sauce and top with chopped pecans.

2011 ... What now

So today in church we started a new series entitled "From here to there." I'm pretty excited about this series and can't wait to see where it takes us. This week we discussed where were are now and where we want to be at the end of 2011.

Here are some things to remember:

1. Everyone end up somewhere, but few people end up somewhere on purpose - meaning that we should all have a plan on where we're going to be. We can't just go with the flow on big ticket things in life, because going with the flow could take us farther from where we want to be. We need to seek vision and guidance from God and that'll help us get to where we want to go.

2. How to we get from here to there?

a. Be honest about who you are. Who am I? Well ... being honest here ... I'm selfish. I'm a Sunday Christian (I'm moved by the spirit when I'm around the right people, but I get too busy the rest of the week to remember, thus I become someone that doesn't let God shine through me), I'm bossy, I'm needy, I'm unhealthy, I'm judgmental. Man that's hard to admit all of this.

b. Define your destination. Where do I want to be at the end of 2011? I want to be a better wife that lets my husband be the head of our household. I want to be financially sound. I want to be healthier (skinner would be nice, but I'd rather be healthier). I want to be intimate with God, I want to be someone who spends more time with the Word. I want to make friends - CHRISTIAN friends that I can learn and grow from. I want to be someone that people see God in. My biggest goal for 2011 is to be a mom (we'll talk more about this at a later date).

c. Take what you need. If you're going to get from here to where God wants you to be you must bring along the following: Examples - I'm planning on doing this by joining a growth group at church and reconnecting with my mentors from back home. Discipline - I need to make a plan and stick to it (once I have that developed I will share). Perseverance - I get easily discouraged and need to remember to just keep going, I'll make it one day. Focus - I have to remember to focus on Jesus and his example set for me.

d. Never travel alone. I think this is my favorite part. I have to get involved. I'm very much a loner and would rather be at home or work than socializing with people and putting myself "out there." This is very odd for me as I used to be a social butterfly, I don't know where, but somewhere I lost that - and I have to take it back! I can put my shyness to the side and get involved to "help" - doing that helps me not feel so uncomfortable. So I'm going to find somewhere I can volunteer and get involved and meet people.

Louie (the pastor today) kept mentioning, "if 2010 was a bad year for you, you can change that." Well maybe I'm still in that lovey dovey stage, but for me 2010 was an amazing year. We went through tough times and easy times, but at the end of the day I spent an entire year being married to the man that God made for me, I got a job that I love, I have become very close to my mother and I feel like I'm in a great spot ... so instead of wanting to turn a new leaf and start new, I want to grow this year. I want it to just get better than last year.

With all of that said, the one thing that really stuck with me reminded me of the person I was before I married John. Louie mentioned that you can't let your past define you. He was talking in regards to having a bad 2010, but I let it simmer and thought about my previous life. I know most of the people back home know the old me and don't know the person I am now, and that's okay because I made my bed. However this statement really gives me perspective. I am not who I was. I'm not the mean party girl anymore. I'm a wife to the best man in the entire world and that makes me a better person. I just hope one day all those people from back home that only know me as the old me will one day see the new me.

I can't wait for 2011 to get rolling, this is going to be a great year.

Alright, I just have to say it

Okay so I've been trying to keep this in, but I can't anymore. I first need to say that I don't need anyone's criticism about what I have to say. I know that pretty much this entire post will look very petty and childish, and that's fine, but no one other than me can understand the hurt I felt from this, and thus they can only see how petty this is. I get it, I really do, but I'm sure there's things you experience that no one else in the entire world will ever understand how you feel in that situation, and well this is mine.

Just so you have a little bit of background, I have only one grandparent left, my Papaw who is fast approaching 94 years old. This man is the light of my world. He means more to me than I could probably imagine. First off, he's an amazing grandfather. Secondly, he's a WWII and Korean War Veteran and deserves all of my respect and gratitude. Third, he's always always been there for me. He's helped me out financially when I couldn't make ends meet, and he helped me get through college when I didn't budget for expensive books. He's truly a wonderful grandfather and I owe everything to him. Pretty much my entire adult life I've understood what an amazing person my grandfather is and constantly strive for his approval. I've seen people all around me that just don't have it together and my Papaw was and still is my role model for the person I should be. I know I'm the light of my Papaw's eyes, he always calls me his baby girl (as I'm the youngest grand-baby). When he says this my heart bursts from joy. I may not show it to everyone, but my heart is exploding with love and excitement when he calls me that.

I also have two cousins that are both older than me. Both of my cousins have been less than favorable, especially in the way they treat my grandfather. Now let me stop here for a moment, later on I'm sure I will state that I feel like I'm better than these two people, and truly at the end of the day, I do feel that way, but this is just the beginning of that whole "no one knows the pain I have so they can't begin to judge my statements." My two cousins do not have any education outside of their required high school education (which they both barely achieved). The both do not have stable jobs, it seems like each time I see them one is out of work complaining why they were fired from whatever crap job they had. Both also have had problems with illegal substances, I don't know what, and I don't really care, but all I know is that this shouldn't be brought around my Papaw and anyone who would do so is not someone who I will respect. My female cousin "ran away" (I say that loosely because she was still around physically but never contacted our family) for a few years, she also had a stint of time where she wasn't sure if she was homosexual or not. My male cousin is in constant trouble with the law, due to his drinking and driving - which my Papaw always pays him out of. My male cousin has been in jail multiple times - which Papaw bailed him out of. All of which my cousin never offered to pay him an ounce of money back. My male cousin also got some random girl knocked up, and hardly ever speaks to the girl or the baby (mostly the mother's decision, she seems money hungry because she knows our Papaw will help them out ... and did).

Both of my cousins have lived with my Papaw for a good while. During that time they never cleaned, did laundry, cooked, did work on the house or yard, or helped pay for groceries or utilities. At one point my female cousin was even diagnosed with a STD that was spreadable by just touching (I'm sure you can gather what I'm talking about without airing her laundry out there). Well she was so self centered that she took a bath in my Papaw's only bathtub (he lives in an older house with no shower) and didn't disinfect the tub even when asked by my Papaw. So my 92 year old Papaw was on his hands and knees scrubbing the tub with Borax just to ensure he didn't catch anything that may be spreadable. I also should mention that during this time that my female cousin lived with my Papaw she was working in the bar scene, in which she surrounded her self with all the wrong kinds of people, I don't need to elaborate, I don't know the details, but there's something to say for a 27 year old spending every night at a bar and every day sleeping. It's just not a lifestyle someone should be working, and it's not the people you should surround yourself with.

Okay ... with all of that out of the way, I met my husband online in February 2009 and my entire family had an issue with this. I understand, they didn't get it and they were worried about me. However, John was the one for me, there was and still is no denying that. The moment I knew that I was in love with John and knew that he was was the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with was in early March. John and I were talking about past relationships and I shared a very personal story with him about the guy I dated before John came along. The store goes like this, "Mr X (the guy before) had a little girl already and when you date someone with a child you will have the what if we have children talk. I shared with him that I wanted this specific name and without ever asking why he quickly said well I don't like that name." My heart was crushed because he didn't let me explain why at all, he just shut me out. John asked what was the reason and what was the name and I told him that the reason was that I don't remember my maternal grandmother at all (who is the wife of the Papaw mentioned above). I told John that if I could have any wish granted it would be to spend one more day with her, because I can't remember the way she smelled or how her voice sounded or how her hugs felt. Because of this, I have always wanted to name my little girl Ella Grace which honors my grandmother, Mary Ella. John got really quiet and I was worried that he didn't like it and thought to myself "well this is the end of this relationship" and then John said the most beautiful words. He told me, "You know what I think? I think it's the most beautiful name in the world. I bet your grandmother did everything with grace. I bet she held you with grace and sang to you with grace." Now I need to stop here to mention that no one can comprehend how special my grandmother's singing to us is. She used to sing You Are My Sunshine to us and I tear up anytime I hear that tune. So John saying that he bet she sang to me with grace without knowing about this was just even more perfect. All the while he's saying this I'm crying into the phone and knew this was the man that God made for me. I told my aunt and mom this story the following Sunday at Papaw's house. All three of us were crying in the kitchen and both of them agreed John had a heart of gold.

With all of that back story, here's what has turned into a terrible Thanksgiving. My female cousin got pregnant by this guy that she was dating. She's very lucky that he has his head on his shoulders and actually wants to step up and take care of his responsibilities. He proposed to her, but she didn't want to get married to him because she wasn't sure at first, but then decided that she wanted to have an elaborate white wedding the summer after the baby was born. Who is going to be asked to foot that bill ... my Papaw I'm sure. So I got this invite by her to her baby shower (which she made sure to text me her address to mail the items I bought her because she knew I couldn't make it - don't let me forget to mention that I hadn't bought her anything yet, and wasn't exactly planning on it). I just can't provide enough examples why she has no class or tact with anything. I'm very confused as how we're related when I was raised 180 degrees different than she was.

So let's fast forward to Thanksgiving 2010. I got her this huge bag full of baby clothes, which she could've cared less about. I guess she wasn't happy I didn't mail them to her 4 months prior like she sent for. She was truly an adorable pregnant girl and I made sure to tell her how cute she was. At dinner, all she wanted to do was tell me how she was planning her wedding and showing off her ring, which I'm concerned why she felt any need to flaunt this ... I feel she needs to get married and do things right, so she's not wowing me in an facet by telling me about this wedding I doubt will ever happen (I doubt it because she debated so long if she even wanted to get married at all to him).

My cousin and her baby daddy left after lunch and my Papaw started talking about her baby. He mentioned that he was told that they're naming the baby after my Grandmama - which I know just isn't why she chose that name. This completely broke my heart. My Papaw doesn't know of my intentions (I kinda wanted to surprise him).

Now this is the part that I'm sure you'll think I'm judgmental. I've tried to do everything right in my life. When I say that I mean that I have tried to model my life after how my grandparents did it. I look up to them as they've been the only solid examples of a stable life and a stable relationship that I've had. I got through school without getting pregnant, I've worked the whole time, I spent time "out on my own" that made me grow up, and then I got married. I see my cousins being bailed out of their troubles and then "praised" (for lack of better words) for their mess ups.

I ended up lashing out at my cousin over the phone (which I know is wrong but I spent the afternoon sobbing and we all know when emotions get involved you say things you know you shouldn't) and told her that I knew she wasn't naming her baby after our grandmother and that she shouldn't lie to our Papaw and tell him that. Well my lashing turned into an all out brawl when she told me I was a joke along with multiple other vulgarities and told me that it was too bad, she was having a baby first and was going to name her after our Grandmama. After we left Tennessee my family had Sunday lunch at my Papaw's house and my Aunt asked my mom if I needed psychological help (let me mention again, that my Aunt knew about the name story with John ... remember she was there when I told my mom and cried in the kitchen with us ... yet now she's denying ever knowing this). Also my cousin's baby daddy said to my mom its best that "those people" (referring to me and my husband) stay away from my Papaw's house and especially him, his baby momma, and his child. WHO THE HELL IS HE TO SAY THIS? HE'S NOT EVEN A FAMILY MEMBER AT THIS POINT!!!

Let's get one thing straight - that's MY Papaw, you have no ties to him, you're probably making my cousin come around more because she's told you how much money he has. You both are a JOKE! I do not ever see myself considering you or my cousin family again.

The more I think about this issue the more hurt I get and in turn become more angry.

Santa's Castle

I had come up with an idea to have a classwide donation for this place on post called Santa's Castle.

Santa's Castle is a place where ONLY military members can be suggested by their chain of command to get FREE Chrismas presents for their children when they are in need. Many of us know the Army doesn't pay the best, and many times we have a hard time making ends meet. (My mind goes back to the song "American Soldier" where the lyrics say, "I don't do it for the money, there's bills that I can't pay" ... gosh there are times for ALL Soldiers that these words ring so true.) Santa's Castle is set up to provide every Soldier who is accepted into this program with over $100 in toys for every child. These gifts are a something that can make a Christmas without Daddy a lot more pleasant when it's hard to celebrate without him.

We have this Facebook page set up for the families of the Soldiers in training with our company (Echo 2/47) and I gave them a call to action. We asked them if they felt so compelled to donate 1 new unopened toy for a child from birth to 18 that we would make a large donation on behalf of the whole class. We told them that we'd have the donation box set up at the meet and greet. We asked all the Drill Sergeant's wives to bring a toy so they box didn't look empty. Well of COURSE we were late to the meet and greet - thanks John Haines - and when we got there the box was OVERFLOWING!! This was epic! I can't believe the donation given, but that wasn't all of it. Later that night, a couple came up to us and had quite literally a car load full of toys! They said they didn't have grandbabies and wanted to give back. The next morning at family day toys were still pouring in! This was sooo awesome! At the end of it all we had over 400 toys for our classwide donation to Santa's Castle.

Graduation ... FINALLY

John's current class of privates graduated last week and I can't tell you how happy I am.

Being "on the trail" as they call it, isn't as hard as I thought it would be. With that being said, I don't enjoy the whole waiting to make dinner until 9pm to find out that he ate with the privates at 6pm ... but hey that's just the kinks of this list style that we have to work out.

Now that he's home though, I am totally going to be a happy girl with this cycle break until late January! The only thing that truly sucks is that we had planned a cruise for early January but was told that John picked up 2 days before our cruise returned to port so that went out the window. Then we found out about 2 weeks ago that the pick up wasn't until late January but we'd already spent our cruise fund :(

Oh well ... onto more productive thinking ...

I certainly am excited about the fact that John will be around the house more to help with the mutts and household chores more!

During graduation, John got to be a squad leader in the "demo squad" (which in my opinion is the coolest part of the ceremony). He got to lead the privates out onto the field through smoke and gunfire. Below are some cool photos of him.

I am hating school!

I'm helping John with his classes this go around and I just have no drive to take this dang comp class. Thank God I made it through good ole MC (Maryville College that is) because I swear I don't think I'll ever want to go to college again.

I admit it, I'm lazy. I'd rather watch TV and play online than read a book and write about crap I honestly don't care about.

This is something I've gotta change (the laziness that is) before too long. When we have little ones, with me working and John on the trail I know that I will need to better manage my time, I just need to get on it. Grrr ... can I please get a good helping of motivation? I'm super motivated at anything that makes me money, but pretty much could care less to lift a finger otherwise. That's really embarrassing and petty. I started a few weeks ago, going to the gym and was loving it, but quit last week because "I was too busy" but I think that really translates into "I'm too lazy and would rather loaf around at home.

Grrr! That's all I can say!

Holiday Shopping

OMG I have to get on it this year! I've got big plans for John but I can't get my act together and actually get him his gifts, lol.

Thankfully we will be diong Christmas with my family AFTER Christmas so I can hit up some good sales before heading to TN for New Years/Papaw's Birthday.

We've decided to spend Thanksgiving with my family in TN, which will be a whirlwind of Mom's house, Papaw's house, and Dad's house in the few short days. Not to mention I can't find a formal dress in this town that's worth buying so I'll be on the hunt in TN for a dress for the formal on December 4th.

Christmas will be spent with the Haines' family in Florida, not exactly the picture perfect Christmas - the Florida and sand thing, not the family thing, lol. I can't wait to spend time with my Haines family, I love them so much and miss them just as much as I miss my family in TN when we're gone from them for a long time. I'm so excited to see my baby niece, Riley, for the first time. I can't wait to have a baby around for Christmas!

Here's the big issue ... I have NO CLUE what to get my family (the Haines side) for Christmas! I'm completely at a loss and I hate asking people what to get people, but I am at a dead end with them. So here's to hoping I come up with something soon ...

On the other hand I have a whole list for my amazing hubbieee and can't wait to get him everything that he deserves! Now that I'm a "worthy" part of our marriage and have a job that pays worth something I can't wait to spoil this man :)

My plan for next Christmas .... Ski resort!!!! Well, let's be honest, it probably won't happen next year, but I'm definitely planning on it before we leave Benning. I'm roping my Father in law away from work if I have to hog tie him myself!

I wish we could/would buy a house

This morning while reading the news online I saw an article about the awesome house prices around the country, specifically what you can get with less than 100k!!

I'm so wishing we would've thought of buying a house but when we got here we didn't know the area or anyone to trust as we had no friends here in the beginning to tell us the good areas. I'm praying very hard that when we leave here we will get stationed at Carson (our number one choice, by the way) and you better believe that we'll be buying a home!

Official Employee Now

Well, after 10 months, one separation, and a lot of tears and worrying - I'm now an official employee with Aflac!!

My journey started last December when I came in as a temp through Manpower. (Side note: I will always use Manpower when we PCS because I have had the best experience with them helping me find a job - and I would suggest this to ANY military wife that is in search of a job when they PCS start with them.)
I came into Aflac as an Administrative Assistant for 15 Market Vice Presidents of Broker Sales. This was a completely new module to this department so I was flying blind with these guys. It was a lot of work, but we got into a grove. Soon there after I was told we would be getting some extra help with the 15 guys as the department had been allowed 3 admins for these guys. Not long after (about April) I was told that the company had to help some dislocated employees and my job was bring replaced with internal employees instead of hiring me from the outside. This was so hard to accept because the department wanted to keep me but just couldn't. I was completely heartbroken as I've never been "released" from a job.
I found another position soon with a local property management company, but it turned out to be the wrong fit for me and my family.
I was blessed with a phone call from Manpower that my old team at Aflac needed me back, but on a temporary term again. I didn't care, I wanted to go "home" so I left a permanent full time position to go back to Aflac. I was now working for the department head who is known as a tough man to work for. Well maybe I just mesh well with this man, because he is really easy going and helps me learn when there's something he needs that I don't know how to do off the top of my head. He also teaches me a lot and I love the fact that my job is now a challenge.

Well I was given the opportunity to apply for this position on a permanent level in August. For the last month and a half I've been on pins and needles hoping I was the right fit for him. Well on Tuesday, September 28th I was offered the position to support Ron full time, as an official Aflac employee.

THIS WEEK HAS BEEN PHENOMENAL!!

I can't wait to turn in my neon yellow badge and parking hang tag for a regular badge and actual sticker on my car!! I can't wait for the challenges ahead of me and am so blessed to be given this opportunity! I have made some of the best friends at this job that I've ever had and will take them in my heart with me where ever I go after here.

My Boss

Can I just say that even though he may be very tough to work for and a little intimidating, I am so thankful for how he keeps me under his wing. Since I'm a temp, some people treat me like crap as I'm not an official Aflac employee. Ron always makes me feel like I am an employee and that really goes a LONG way.

Just today this lady was very snipity with me because I could not reach him on the phone and at the last moment called her back to let her know and she totally chewed me out that she didn't have time and when I tried to apologize she said "Okay, okay, okay" and hung up on me.

Well just in passing I mentioned to my boss that I was still waiting on dial in informaiton for a call he needs to be on. He asked me why and I simply told him the answer and he said put me through to her, this is unacceptable.

I just am very thankful to work for a man who cares about his staff. He's a great lead by example kind of person.

The Commissary

I read this lady's blog (Boots in the doorway http://bootsinthedoorway.blogspot.com/2010/02/commiscary.html) and saw her story on her first experience with the commissary. I thought this was hilarious, and decided to write about my own. Now it isn't my "first experience" story, but it IS my firt HORROR experience story, lol.

My first horror was on the day before Christmas! My husband and I were spending it alone, it was his first Christmas not furnished by the DFAC and our first being married. I had never cooked a Christmas dinner ever before and wanted it to be just perfect for my hubby who had just returned from Iraq and hadn't been in a "home" for Christmas since he was in the Army(he went straight to Germany and never really got to come home much during the holidays due to deployments). I wanted everything to be perfect for him, I was scared to death because I had never cooked a meal to this caliber before.


One word of advice, don't ever go to the commissary on days like this. Heck, don't go on paydays, Mondays, Sunday evenings, or anywhere relatively near a holiday. On any of the aforementioned occassions you will find: mothers with screaming children, Guard families that do not live close and leave with three carts full of groceries to last the whole month, and retirees and their wives that act like they own the place.


Needless to say this was a nightmare! Those retirees are SOOO rude! I mean I get it, you were a spouse or servicemember at one point, but please don't treat us newbies like poo!

There was one "single" mom of a new baby (you can tell when someone is deployed by the amount of food they buy). Her baby was sleeping in his carseat in the cart and the mom was reading the instructions on the box of stuffing. This mean older lady came up to the young mom and slammed her buggy head on into the new mom's. She then proceded to tell the mom that she needed to know what she needs to buy and not stand around in the way. I was apalled but that young mom held her own. She popped off at the lady that it must be hard shopping for a large family (there were clearly many people she was shopping for based on her cart's contents) but that she wasn't sure how to make stuffing and wanted to know her other ingredients needed as she's never done this before and had no way to get home to her parents for the holiday and that she'd take a lot less time looking if she had any help by say, oh a husband who wasn't delpyed! I so had a go-girl moment after that mean ass grandma walked away in shock.

So here's my suggestions for you grumpy grandmas out there:
1. Don't be so mean, you never know someone else's story
2. Don't hog the food, I promise the world won't stop if you don't have a whole cart full of meat
3. Don't act like the world revolves around you. I don't mind you shopping on post, but you're not better than me and I'm no better than you. We're all part of this big ass Army family, and your shit does stink, just like mine, the lady with 9 kids, and the soldier down the asile who is loading up on Little Debbie cakes.